I just read an article in the AARP magazine written by Jacquelyn Mitchard, “11 Things You Should Never Do Again After 50”. Hmmph. I’m quite a bit over 50 and I think Ms Mitchard may be a bit of a spoilsport. What do you think?
Parkour – running,climbing, jumping or leaping over obstacles; swing, vault, roll or walk on hands. Agree. I haven’t done that since the age of six and back then it was called playing.
Jello Shots – Disagree. Who doesn’t like Jello Shots? As long as you don’t miss your mouth. Cherry jello doesn’t come out of clothing, carpeting or upholstery.
Karaoke after Jello Shots – Disagree. How else would I have the chutzpah to get on stage with my husband and sing “Satisfaction” while rocking my Mick Jagger moves? Except if my children were in the audience … nah, they’re our biggest fans.
Take me by the tongue
And I’ll know you
Kiss me ’til you’re drunk
And I’ll show you
All the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
Try to break a plank with your head – Agree! I never tried that before I turned 50.
Crowd surfing at a rock concert – Agree, not at a rock concert, But I would like to crowd surf when I finish my karaoke performance as long as everyone has their hands raised and have joined me in several rounds of jello shots so I know they like me.
Collect owls made of shells – Agree. The only collection on my shelves is dust and that’s easily removed with a leaf blower.
Boasting about certain things– Agree. Some people boast about the number of Visa stamps in their passports or the number of 000’s in their checkbook balance. I only boast about the number of 000’s on my VISA account balance.
Talking about your role in bringing your kids up right – Disagree. After 18 hair-raising years, I’m going to brag, boast, and talk about how I brought my kids up right whenever I want and you’ll damn well listen to me. They were only allowed to spit in the toilet not at each other, they had to fight outside and were not allowed to use lethal weapons, and were only allowed to say “dirty words” in their closets with the door closed. Although it was disconcerting to hear, “shit, damn, poop, crap” emanating from a 5-year old’s closet, I think these are child-raising tips that new parents would appreciate.
Talking about your role in getting your kid into an Ivy League college – Agree. My kids didn’t go to Ivy League colleges – does Florida State and Stetson count? All four of them are successful so who gives a flip as long as they didn’t have to move back home.
Talking about your role in fueling the rumor that Paul was dead in the 1960’s – Disagree. How else are my grandkids going to learn about history? Please don’t let me hear you say, “Paul who?”
Single space your holiday letters – Agree. I don’t send holiday letters and friends my age wouldn’t be able to read single spaced correspondence anyway. Besides, they’ve already heard ad nauseum about how I raised my kids right and I already posted the pix of me crowd surfing at Chubbyz Bar on Facebook.