Humor

I Gained Half a Pound

Daily Prompt:  Later

This morning I weighed myself and found that I’d gained half a pound.  Later I stepped on the scale but this time I sucked in my stomach.  I was still up half a pound.

scale

 

Advertisements
Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Body Parts that Jiggle

Daily Prompt – Jiggle

So you get to a certain age and body parts don’t stay where they’re supposed to:

  • You raise your arms to style your hair and your underarms jiggle like batwings.
  • You swing your legs out of bed in the morning and your thighs keep swinging.
  • You shake your head “no” and your neck starts gobbling.
  • You wake up on your back and wonder why there are pillows under your arms … they’re your boobs.
  • You turn over in bed and you have to wait a nanosecond for your tummy to follow.
  • You don’t dare jog because your gazongas could knock you out.
  • You think you’re being followed but it’s only your ass slapping against the back of your legs.

And then you realize that your belly shakes “like a bowl full of jelly.” Merry Christmas.

Image result for images of maxine

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Or…

Daily PromptOr

My everyday decisions:

  • Get out of bed and exercise OR snuggle in with a cup of coffee and Facebook
  • Wash my hair OR wear a baseball cap
  • Clean the pool OR put my feet up and read a book
  • Take the recycled bin out to the roadway OR wait another week
  • Put on makeup, get dressed, run errands OR stay home and doodle around the house
  • Pay the bills OR go shopping
  • Answer the phone OR  let it go to voice mail
  • Work in the yard OR play with my grandkids
  • Quilt OR crochet
  • Watch HGTV OR read a good book
  • Clean the bathrooms OR float in the pool and read a good book
  • Go grocery shopping OR eat an unidentified object from the refrigerator
  • Clean the house OR meet a girlfriend for lunch
  • Take my daily walk at sunrise OR sunset
  • Send a text to my kids OR call them
  • Cook dinner OR go out for Happy Hour and appetizers
  • Scotch OR wine

Either/or, neither/nor …. Life is good.

wine

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Goliath

Daily PromptRelish

relish

Simple Definition of relish

  • : enjoyment of or delight in something

  • : a feeling of liking something

I seldom watch television unless I have some hand work that makes it worth my while to sit still; i.e., binding a quilt, crocheting an afghan, stitching applique or stuffing a pillow or doll.  Or, if I’m lying on the couch because I’m ill and feeling sorry for myself.

Therefore, I relish binging on a good TV series.  I don’t understand why I prefer a television series vs movies, maybe because I can stop after each episode and get up to do something exciting – laundry, dishes, floors, groceries, dusting; stuff like that.

Some of my favorites?  Midsomer Murders, Ripper Street, Luther, Downton Abbey (of course), Happy Valley, Transparent, Viking, Reign, Longmire and now (drum roll, please) – Goliath with Billy Bob Thornton.

I’m making fabric dolls for my year old granddaughter for Christmas so I watched three episodes of Goliath the first night, three episodes last night and have timed it perfectly leaving two episodes and the final seam on the doll to coincide tonight.  Maybe I’ll even have a hotdog and chips while I watch the show and try not to drip any relish on the couch.

Categories: Daily Post, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

As it was in the beginning, so it is …

Daily Prompt – Base

I started babysitting when I was 12 earning $.50 per hour; $1 an hour for New Years Eve.  I was allowed to start wearing lipstick when I was 13.  So, the first thing I did on my 13th birthday was hit the cosmetic aisle at Woolworths.  I bought a tube of “Blush Pink” by Coty and my first makeup base, CoverGirl liquid.  Oh, and don’t forget a spray bottle of Evening in Paris with matching body powder. It was several years before I graduated to Jean Nate.   That first cosmetic buying trip (I think I spent $8) was my initiation to gorgeous – or so I believed.

I knew nothing about matching my liquid base to my skin tone.  I figured since I grew up on Miami Beach and was tan, that was the color I should use. I thought I looked beautiful when actually I had a kind of orange glow a la Donald Trump.  I knew nothing about blending my base coat out toward my jawline and neck so,  mask-like I went to school dreaming I looked like Twiggy.  Did I mention that I have freckles and was chubby?  You can imagine what my troglodyte “friends” had to say.548301f7c19d2_-_mcx-60s-supermodels-8-s2

Fast forward 50+ years and I just wish I could supplement my retirement income with the $$$ I’ve spent on makeup — liquids, cakes, cremes, powders — Lancome, Estee Lauder, Maybelline, MAC,  Avon, Urban Decay, Clinique, L’Oreal – you name it, I’ve tried it. In addition to my makeup base, I’ve spent a fortune on eyeliners, eye shadows, concealers, blushers, wrinkle removers, cover-ups, et al.  And guess what?

covergirl

 

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Humor, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

Musings of a Muse

The Daily Post:  “Muse”

While trying on bathing suits in a dressing room with a three-way mirror, I discovered that in a previous incarnation I must have been Reuben’s muse.  The 16th century artist apparently loved chubby women.  Hence, the term “Reubenesque”.  My kinda guy.

rubens

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Post, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

My Favorite Profundities

Daily Post:  “Profound”

 

  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

  • If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  Then go out and find the person whose life gave them vodka.

  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  • Having a baby can be a scream.

  • If your children write their names in the dust on your furniture, don’t let them put the year.

  • The most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

  • If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him

  • If two people want to get married, get married! As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want.

  • Never floss with a stranger.

  • If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Quotes from Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers; my favorite philosophers.
diller
 rivers

 

Categories: Daily Post, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen

Daily Prompt – Dramatic 

The definition of “drama”?  A day in the life of a tweenie.

Whining kid:  “Mom, all my friends wear high heels to school.  I don’t want to wear sneakers to school anymore.  I’m not a little kid.  You just want me to be ugly.  You want me to be different.  You don’t want me to be popular.  You want me to be a geek.”

Me:  “I don’t care what all your friends wear, you’re not wearing high heels in 6th grade.”

But, after another 24 hours of whining, pouting, tears and hysteria and noticing how she unsteadily navigated in the little kitten heels bought for her cousin’s wedding I caved.

Me:  “I’ve given it some thought and decided that you are now old enough to make wise decisions.  You can wear those shoes to school if you want, just like all your friends.”

The next afternoon I watched her hobbling toward the house holding her shoes in her hand and wincing with each barefoot step.

Whining kid:  “Mom, you did that on purpose!  You knew I’d get blisters from wearing those shoes.  I had to go to the nurse’s office to get bandaids and then I had to line my shoes with toilet paper to keep them from rubbing and the toilet paper fell out of my shoe and people laughed and it’s all your fault!  You ruined my life.  I’ll never forgive you for this.  Wait til I tell Dad what you did.  He’ll divorce you and I’ll live with him and he won’t make my friends laugh at me.”

Me:  “Sweetheart, I didn’t force you to wear those shoes.  As a matter of fact I didn’t want you to wear heels to school because I know how painful they can be.  I wear heels every day and sometimes I get blisters.  I never want you to be hurt but I let you make your own decision.  I think you learned an important lesson.”

Whining kid:  “Yeah.  You want me to be unpopular.”

And that, my friends, is the definition of drama.

heels

 

 

Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Why Limit Happy to an Hour?

 

The epitome of a good day:

  • Woke up from a good night’s rest with no arthritis pain
  • Ate previous night’s leftovers for breakfast – no brainer Paleo meal
  • I was the first customer at Grease Monkey for an oil change, had coffee with the guys & they  gave me a new customer discount
  • Pool store clerk loaded 3 jugs of  chlorine in the car for me without me asking for help chlorine
  • Home Depot associate gave me a 2 x 3′ piece of plywood for free when I told him I was making a counter-top ironing board for my quilting projects
  • Washed my car in the driveway – it was overcast & almost cool. No heat exhaustion.  No streaks.
  • Rode my new bike to the library without accidents or incidents (just a sore ass)
  • Bought 2 beautiful, ripe mangos – my favorite fruit
  • Pulled weeds around the lanai without seeing worms, snakes or anything else startling or disgusting weeds
  • Dove down to pull a rogue plastic lid  covering the drain at the bottom of the pool and didn’t drown
  • Received calls from my kids
  • Finished my retro step stool project

    Before

    after

    After

  • Amazon delivered my new bicycle basket and I installed it in 3 minutes basket
  • Found enough fabric in my stash to make skirts for the work tables in my quilt studio so I can save my $ to buy more quilting fabric
  • Customer picked up her antique embroidered butterfly top that I custom quilted for her and raved about it
  • Found food in the refrigerator for dinner – no last minute run to the grocery store
  • Watched three episodes of “Nurse Jackie”
  • Listened to the laughter of the kids next door splashing in their grandparents’ pool
  • Fell asleep thinking about tomorrow’s fun

Daily Prompt: Epitome

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Gotta Have More Cushie for my Tushie

I don’t believe the good lord intended for my 67-year old ass to ride on a narrow mountain bike seat for any extended period of time.  If such were His intentions, He would have made my ass smaller or the seat bigger.

bike1As we all know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I intend to live a healthier lifestyle by riding my bike for any errand within a 3-mile radius of my home.  Today was the first day of the rest of my life (do you like my aphorisms?) with a 3-mile ride to return library books and pick up a few audio books for my car trip next week.  Mission accomplished in 40 minutes, including 10 minutes to choose my audio books.

Pros:  feel good & energetic, proud of myself, felt safe & secure on my smaller bike, no accidents

Cons:  my ass bones hurt.  I didn’t know there were bones in your ass.  Temporarily solved the problem by alternating butt cheeks on the saddle.

So, there is definitely a larger, cushier bike seat in my future as I continue to peddle my ass around town.

bike2

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Health, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: