Humor

Gotta Have More Cushie for my Tushie

I don’t believe the good lord intended for my 67-year old ass to ride on a narrow mountain bike seat for any extended period of time.  If such were His intentions, He would have made my ass smaller or the seat bigger.

bike1As we all know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I intend to live a healthier lifestyle by riding my bike for any errand within a 3-mile radius of my home.  Today was the first day of the rest of my life (do you like my aphorisms?) with a 3-mile ride to return library books and pick up a few audio books for my car trip next week.  Mission accomplished in 40 minutes, including 10 minutes to choose my audio books.

Pros:  feel good & energetic, proud of myself, felt safe & secure on my smaller bike, no accidents

Cons:  my ass bones hurt.  I didn’t know there were bones in your ass.  Temporarily solved the problem by alternating butt cheeks on the saddle.

So, there is definitely a larger, cushier bike seat in my future as I continue to peddle my ass around town.

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Categories: Aging Gracefully, Health, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

What’s a four letter word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”?

 

FORK

Get your mind out of the gutter!

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 Daily Prompt – Fork  Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , | 3 Comments

I Bequeth My Carrot Birthday Cake from Hell

Daily Prompt:  LegacyWrite a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I’m a quilter not a baker.  I hate to bake.  I’m not good at it and my failures over the years are legion.  Most kids bring homemade cookies or cupcakes to school to share.  Mine brought bags of potato chips.

But, for some reason my carrot cake gets rave reviews.  My son requests it every year for his birthday.  Why?  I’m convinced it’s because it is the most difficult, expensive, frustrating, anxiety-producing, time-consuming cake in the world.  It’s true … paybacks are hell,  but I can’t remember what I did to that child to demand such retribution.

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So, I started by assembling all the tools and ingredients I needed and told myself to remain calm, stay organized, take my time and clean up as I go.

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Things deteriorated almost immediately.  My printer ran out of ink so I was working from the recipe on my Kindle that kept shutting down then sliding out of my hands because of the oil, eggs and buttermilk on my fingers. I panic very easily when I’m baking.

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OK – I get that it’s three layer cake because it’s so dense.  But I don’t understand why I have to oil and flour each pan and still cut out parchment paper to cover the bottoms and then oil and flour the parchment paper.

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Thank heaven for food processors or I’d still be grating carrots, chopping walnuts and shredding coconut.

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Ta da!  I finally got everything into one bowl and it smells and tastes like … carrot cake!

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Looking good, right?  I’m so proud of myself.

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But, I don’t understand “Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean”.  After 30 minutes the toothpick looked clean, but I wasn’t completely sure.  So, I baked for another 3 minutes and then did the toothpick thing again and still wasn’t sure.  After the third toothpick, I noticed the cakes’ edges looked really brown so I removed the pans from the oven and the anxiety kicked in — under-baked, over-baked who knows?  It’s kind of like a new recipe that say, “Adjust seasonings to taste.”  But if you don’t know what it’s supposed to taste like….?

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And then the cleanup … seems like I used every surface, utensil, bowl and appliance in my kitchen. There was so much flour in the air that I had an asthma attack and had to stop to use my inhaler twice.

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You think I was kidding about the flour in the air and on every surface?  I laid my spatula down and when I picked it up, there was its silhouette.  After the kitchen counters were washed, the bowls, utensils and appliances cleaned I still had to mop the floor and wipe down the cabinets.  I turned the A/C on to clear the air.  What a production!  We won’t even talk about the icing.

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Happy Birthday, Matt.

When the birthday boy tasted his cake I learned the good news and the bad news … the good news was that it was absolutely delicious; the bad news is that I’m going to have to do it again next year.

 

 

 

 

Categories: Daily Prompt, Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

Toto, I’ve a Feeling We’re Not in Ohio Any More!

Daily Prompt:  Contrast -Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I’m a Florida girl.  I never saw snow until I was 21 and moved north with my husband to attend Ohio State University.  I did not know what cold truly was.  I almost died.

It wasn’t too bad until after the holidays.  We had a white Christmas and it was magical.  But then we had January … and February… and March.  Ugly grey slush, ugly grey skies, ugly grey trees.  The contrast to my Florida winters was stark and depressing … no sunshine, no green, no blue.  Just a black and white world.  I was homesick, cold and miserable.

Then I had an opportunity to fly home to Miami Beach.  Oh, joy! In the ancient days of my youth planes did not conveniently coast to a stop at a terminal building.  Stairs were rolled out to the plane doors and passengers disembarked onto the tarmac.

When I stepped through the plane door I stepped into a technicolor world.  The only thing missing was the Munchkins.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

My Half’s Bigger Than Yours

Daily Prompt:  Divide  – Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt

Who was the brilliant parent who discovered how to teach children to share by giving them the responsibility of dividing the goodies?  I came late to this lesson but am still amazed at the look on the childrens’ faces the first time I used this technique.

There’s one piece of cake left and two children who want it:

Me:  OK – Child #1, you divide the cake in half.  (I watched the munchkin grin as the cake was divided into two pieces, one obviously larger than the other.)

Me:  OK – Child #2, you choose which piece you want.

Child #1 – That’s not fair!

And, ever after, when those two children were asked to share anything you can bet it was divided with surgical precision.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

A Ghost in the Toilet

Daily Prompt:  Secret – Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

“Grammy, can I tell you a secret?”

Oh, no.  She’s going to tell me something horrible that I can’t handle;  that she’s being bullied, or that her mommy and daddy are fighting or that she got in trouble and is afraid to tell her parents or about someone’s inappropriate behavior or that one of her friends is in trouble. It doesn’t matter, I will be calm and handle any crisis she needs to confide.

“Of course.  You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset.  I will always be here to help you.”

Looking up at me with trusting, innocent seven-year old eyes she pressed her sweet little lips against my ear and whispered, “Myrtle died in the girls bathroom at school.”

“WHAT?” I shrieked.

“Yes.” Lowering her eyes dramatically and shaking her little head, Rebekah continued. “She drowned when the giant snake came up through the sinks and broke the water pipes and now her ghost lives in the toilets. But don’t tell anyone because she comes and talks to me and my friends when we go to the  bathroom after lunch.”

“Oh, you’ve met Moaning Myrtle?”  She looked at me with admiration and started to giggle.

Thanks Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets.  You’ve made me a hero in Rebekah’s eyes.

“I won’t tell a living soul.”

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Wile E. and Me

Daily Prompt – LEAP –  Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I was talking to a friend about some unexpected changes in my life. Fears, unrealized expectations, unfulfilled dreams, anxiety about the future —  things that keep one awake at night.

After several glasses of Chianti she gave me some sage advice.  “You’re standing on the edge of a precipice and you know you have to jump.  Don’t be afraid.  Just raise your arms, close your eyes and float down.”

I love the imagery of that leap of faith but I also remember Wile E. Coyote.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

I Don’t Want to be Rescued

Daily Prompt:  A classic question, revisited: what are the five items you must have on a deserted island?

My five requirements to survive on a deserted island:

  1.   Survival gear (including books)
  2.   Wine
  3.   Self-starting logs with plenty of firewood and a Bic
  4.   Internet connection with my iPhone
  5.   Hugh Jackman and a large quilt

 

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Remember to Remove the Tea Bags from the Washing Machine

I had this bright idea to tea-dye some muslin to use as sashing in a vintage quilt project I’m designing.  I bought some wonderful original feedsack material, circa 1930-1940, that I want to make into a Disappearing Four Patch quilt and then try my hand at hand quilting.

I usually tea-dye in the bathtub but had a “Eureka!” moment and decided to use the washing machine.  I threw a couple yards of unbleached muslin in the machine, turned the water temp to hot and added eight tea bags.  Then I let it stew overnight.  All was well until I set the machine to rinse and forgot to take out the tea bags.

At first I couldn’t imagine what all the little dark specks were all over the fabric until a dessicated tea bag fell on my foot.  Jeez, I had a horrible flashback to the day I took my 3-year old’s jeans out of the washer and a very dead, but clean, frog fell out of the pocket.  That day the little specks were frog eyes and other disgusting particles.   Anyway, I rinsed the machine several times with cold water, shook out the muslin and dried it (changing the filter several times) and, voila!  My tea-dyed muslin has just the vintage look I wanted.

This DIY project turned out much better than earlier this week when I tried a Pinterest natural solution to clean my oven.  I made the paste of baking powder and water & smeared it all over the inside of the oven door, but then forgot and pre-heated the oven to 425 degrees for pizza.   I’ll let you know how the quilt turns out.

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Categories: Family, Humor, Life, Quilting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

Dragging My Feet on an Intergalactic Journey

sDaily Prompt – Longing for Gravity: You are on a mission to Mars. Because of the length of of the journey, you will never be able to return to Earth. What about our blue planet will you miss the most?

 

This is easy – I wouldn’t go.  My astronaut aspirations only entail takeoff, a couple of orbits around the earth and re-entry, preferably in Hawaii. NASA can beg and plead, but I’m not going unless I can take my kids and grandkids with me.  I have a five-month old granddaughter and I’m not sure NASA has conquered the technology of changing poopy diapers in weightless conditions.

Besides, I’d rather be a cowgirl.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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