Posts Tagged With: humor

Body Parts that Jiggle

Daily Prompt – Jiggle

So you get to a certain age and body parts don’t stay where they’re supposed to:

  • You raise your arms to style your hair and your underarms jiggle like batwings.
  • You swing your legs out of bed in the morning and your thighs keep swinging.
  • You shake your head “no” and your neck starts gobbling.
  • You wake up on your back and wonder why there are pillows under your arms … they’re your boobs.
  • You turn over in bed and you have to wait a nanosecond for your tummy to follow.
  • You don’t dare jog because your gazongas could knock you out.
  • You think you’re being followed but it’s only your ass slapping against the back of your legs.

And then you realize that your belly shakes “like a bowl full of jelly.” Merry Christmas.

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Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

My Baby Wants to be an 18-Wheeler

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Categories: Camping, Daily Prompt, Travel, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

My Favorite Profundities

Daily Post:  “Profound”

 

  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

  • If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  Then go out and find the person whose life gave them vodka.

  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  • Having a baby can be a scream.

  • If your children write their names in the dust on your furniture, don’t let them put the year.

  • The most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

  • If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him

  • If two people want to get married, get married! As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want.

  • Never floss with a stranger.

  • If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Quotes from Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers; my favorite philosophers.
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Categories: Daily Post, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen

Daily Prompt – Dramatic 

The definition of “drama”?  A day in the life of a tweenie.

Whining kid:  “Mom, all my friends wear high heels to school.  I don’t want to wear sneakers to school anymore.  I’m not a little kid.  You just want me to be ugly.  You want me to be different.  You don’t want me to be popular.  You want me to be a geek.”

Me:  “I don’t care what all your friends wear, you’re not wearing high heels in 6th grade.”

But, after another 24 hours of whining, pouting, tears and hysteria and noticing how she unsteadily navigated in the little kitten heels bought for her cousin’s wedding I caved.

Me:  “I’ve given it some thought and decided that you are now old enough to make wise decisions.  You can wear those shoes to school if you want, just like all your friends.”

The next afternoon I watched her hobbling toward the house holding her shoes in her hand and wincing with each barefoot step.

Whining kid:  “Mom, you did that on purpose!  You knew I’d get blisters from wearing those shoes.  I had to go to the nurse’s office to get bandaids and then I had to line my shoes with toilet paper to keep them from rubbing and the toilet paper fell out of my shoe and people laughed and it’s all your fault!  You ruined my life.  I’ll never forgive you for this.  Wait til I tell Dad what you did.  He’ll divorce you and I’ll live with him and he won’t make my friends laugh at me.”

Me:  “Sweetheart, I didn’t force you to wear those shoes.  As a matter of fact I didn’t want you to wear heels to school because I know how painful they can be.  I wear heels every day and sometimes I get blisters.  I never want you to be hurt but I let you make your own decision.  I think you learned an important lesson.”

Whining kid:  “Yeah.  You want me to be unpopular.”

And that, my friends, is the definition of drama.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Gotta Have More Cushie for my Tushie

I don’t believe the good lord intended for my 67-year old ass to ride on a narrow mountain bike seat for any extended period of time.  If such were His intentions, He would have made my ass smaller or the seat bigger.

bike1As we all know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I intend to live a healthier lifestyle by riding my bike for any errand within a 3-mile radius of my home.  Today was the first day of the rest of my life (do you like my aphorisms?) with a 3-mile ride to return library books and pick up a few audio books for my car trip next week.  Mission accomplished in 40 minutes, including 10 minutes to choose my audio books.

Pros:  feel good & energetic, proud of myself, felt safe & secure on my smaller bike, no accidents

Cons:  my ass bones hurt.  I didn’t know there were bones in your ass.  Temporarily solved the problem by alternating butt cheeks on the saddle.

So, there is definitely a larger, cushier bike seat in my future as I continue to peddle my ass around town.

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Categories: Aging Gracefully, Health, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Beauty of Dirty Windows

Daily Prompt:  Dirty – Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I don’t walk into the sliding glass doors when they’re dirty.  I appreciate the marks left by wet cat noses, grandchildrens’ jelly fingers, kisses on the glass, greasy fingerprints by the handle and messages written in the pollen.   It’s true that you really do see stars when you hit your head hard enough. Ask me how I know.

My granddaughter thinks its funny when I walk into the glass doors because I circle the spots where my nose and chin hit the glass and when there are several she draws pictures connecting the circles. She’s easily amused and I’m always happy to provide cheap entertainment.

So, buy suncatchers for the doors you say?  Nah …  I solved the problem by buying Crayola Window Crayons and drawing seasonal messages.

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My Half’s Bigger Than Yours

Daily Prompt:  Divide  – Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt

Who was the brilliant parent who discovered how to teach children to share by giving them the responsibility of dividing the goodies?  I came late to this lesson but am still amazed at the look on the childrens’ faces the first time I used this technique.

There’s one piece of cake left and two children who want it:

Me:  OK – Child #1, you divide the cake in half.  (I watched the munchkin grin as the cake was divided into two pieces, one obviously larger than the other.)

Me:  OK – Child #2, you choose which piece you want.

Child #1 – That’s not fair!

And, ever after, when those two children were asked to share anything you can bet it was divided with surgical precision.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

I Don’t Want to be Rescued

Daily Prompt:  A classic question, revisited: what are the five items you must have on a deserted island?

My five requirements to survive on a deserted island:

  1.   Survival gear (including books)
  2.   Wine
  3.   Self-starting logs with plenty of firewood and a Bic
  4.   Internet connection with my iPhone
  5.   Hugh Jackman and a large quilt

 

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Dragging My Feet on an Intergalactic Journey

sDaily Prompt – Longing for Gravity: You are on a mission to Mars. Because of the length of of the journey, you will never be able to return to Earth. What about our blue planet will you miss the most?

 

This is easy – I wouldn’t go.  My astronaut aspirations only entail takeoff, a couple of orbits around the earth and re-entry, preferably in Hawaii. NASA can beg and plead, but I’m not going unless I can take my kids and grandkids with me.  I have a five-month old granddaughter and I’m not sure NASA has conquered the technology of changing poopy diapers in weightless conditions.

Besides, I’d rather be a cowgirl.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Sisters Camping Trip # 3 – Preparation

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So, the Princess and I survived our first two camping adventures without hurting each other.  I always try mightily to back my Casita travel trailer into our camp site but I echo Blanche DuBois (A Streetcar Named Desire), “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers,” when I fail miserably.  My job is to sweat and cuss and try and try again to back the camper in the right direction.  Yes, I know you have to turn the wheel in the opposite direction from where you want the trailer to go. The Princess’ job is to stand around looking adorable with an an imploring look & pleading smile while nearby campers rush to volunteer to back the trailer in for us.  I guess it takes a village.  Whatever.

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This time we’re heading to St. George Island State Park in the Florida panhandle.  We’ll camp on the beach and explore Apalachicola and other coastal towns.  We’ll eat lots of seafood — shrimp, oysters, mullet, etc.  It’s going to be cold (30’s-40’s at night) so walks on the beach may mean bundling up in several layers. Picture two female Pillsbury dough boys and pray we don’t trip.  “We’ve fallen and we can’t get up.”

I’ve prepared and frozen two meals, chili one night and chicken cacciatore for another night.  I plan to store them in the freezer compartment to help keep the refrigerator cold, then use my slow cooker to defrost and heat up our dinner when we’re ready.  I’m buying steaks & Idaho potatoes for our first night. Since we don’t have a very good track record with grilling on an outdoor fire, I’ll buy New York strips instead of rib eyes just in case our dreams go up in smoke (again).  The Princess is responsible for cocktails and appetizers for the trip and local restaurants and bars will fill in the gaps.weenie

I live in southwest Florida and the Princess lives in central Florida so we coordinate our departure times and meet at the confluence of I-75 and the Florida Turnpike in Wildwood.   Her husband transfers her luggage (matching pieces of course) to my car and off we go.

I’ll let you know when we get there.

 

 

 

 

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Camping, Family, Humor, Life, Retirement, Travel, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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