Life

Why Women Return to Work When Their Husbands Retire – Reason #1

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ingredients.”  What’s the one item in your kitchen you can’t possibly cook without? A spice, your grandma’s measuring cup, instant ramen — what’s your magic ingredient, and why?

kitchen

My husband sits at the kitchen island with his computer while I prepare meals.  Suddenly he has become the secret ingrediant to my success in the kitchen. After all these years I couldn’t possibly prepare a meal without him explaining to me:

  • How to clean a chicken
  • Which herbs and spices are appropriate for the dish I’m preparing
  • How many herbs and spices I should use
  • What temperature the oven should be set at
  • How to fold the grocery bags
  • How to line up the cans in the pantry (all labels facing forward)
  • How to most efficiently load the dishwasher
  • What foods should never be put in the garbage disposal
  • Why fruit flies have appeared in our kitchen
  • How to make a better cup of coffee
  • How to clean the coffee maker
  • Which dishes/cups can safely be used in the microwave
  • Which bread/salad dressings/pickles and other condiments he prefers on his sandwiches
  • Why he is the best popcorn maker in the family
  • Why our grand-daughter prefers his pasta to mine
  • The proper way to clean dishes (hand-wash)
  • The proper way to fold a dish towel
  • The best brand of dishwashing liquid
  • How to clean a cast iron skillet (the way his dad did)
  • How to empty the drip pan under the refrigerator
  • When the garbage can needs to be emptied
  • Which items can be recycled
  • Etc.

It’s amazing that my family has survived the past 40 years of my meal preparation without his supervision.  For those of you ladies who don’t have a man looking over your shoulder while you’re in the kitchen, feel free to borrow mine.

Please.

 

 

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , | 3 Comments

Simon and Garfunkel Redux

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “I Am a Rock.”  Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why? 

“I Am A Rock”

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Simon and Garfunkel, 1966

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May the Bluebird of Happiness …

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “A Dog Named Bob.”  You have 20 minutes to write a post that includes the words mailbox, bluejay, plate, syrup, and ink. And one more detail… the story must include a dog named Bob.

bluebird

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for a response from a publisher with the verdict on the fate of my novel.  Following my daily ritual I rinsed the syrup off my breakfast plate, sent out a silent plea to the universe and leashed Bob so he could do his doggie business on the way to the mailbox where I will either suffer my daily disappointment or, perhaps, the joy of acceptance.

We made our way down the drive with Bob sniffing every bush and flower and generally taking forever to decide where to cleanse his colon. Finally, arriving at the mailbox I retrieved my letters.

Halleleujah!  An envelope from the publisher.  I shouted in jubilation and tore the envelope open to read the verdict on my life’s work.  My shout caused Bob to act like an idiot, prancing and barking which flushed a bluebird from a nearby tree.  As it flew over my shoulder it crapped on my letter.  A gooey gob of guano smeared the ink on the letter so I still don’t know whether my manuscript has been accepted or rejected.

Oh, shit!

Literally.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life | 4 Comments

Breast Cancer … Attitudes, Gratitudes and Platitudes

Arriving at the hospital

 

Pre-op

Pre-op

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My little action hero had breast cancer.  Last week she had a double mastectomy by choice and no longer has breast cancer.  All mothers must know how I felt … fear, anger, depression, helpless, sleepless.  Now I feel:

  • Grateful that she had the best breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in Atlanta
  • Grateful that she was at Northside Womens’ Center, the best facility for women in the southeast US and possibly the entire country
  • Grateful that I did not let the platitudes from well-intentioned people make me crazy
  • Grateful that she is a marathoner; strong and in excellent physical condition
  • Grateful that my daughter was surrounded by positive spiritual, emotional and psychological supporters
  • Grateful that she has a powerful intelligence and a positive attitude
  • Grateful for the phenomenal cafeteria and delicious meals at Northside Hospital, the in-house Starbucks and the comfortable bed I had in her room.  This is truly a five-star facility.  The Bellagio of hospitals.
  • Grateful that the sentinel lymph node was clear of cancer cells
  •  Grateful that I didn’t vomit or faint when the nurse showed me how to maintain her surgical drains, measure and log the outflow
  • Grateful for the caring staff throughout the hospital – the physicians, nurses, technicians & environmental staff
  • Grateful for a loving and supportive family; fabulous friends and wonderful neighbors
  • Grateful for the delicious meals her neighbors organized so I didn’t have to shop or cook
  • Grateful that I am physically able to take care of my daughter, her son and her husband
  • Grateful that I’m retired and can travel and stay with my daughter as long as she needs me
  • Grateful that my son-in-law hasn’t gotten sick and tired of me (yet)
  • Grateful for Percocet and muscle relaxers (for my daughter, not me)
  • Grateful that she has a large husband so she didn’t need to buy anything that buttons down the front – his shirts work great as pj’s or dresses
  • Grateful for the early detection of the tumor; that it was slow growing and treatable
  • Grateful for a sweet and loving 5-year old grandson who will do anything to make his mommy happy and comfortable
  • Grateful that my beautiful daughter has considered herself a cancer survivor from the moment she was diagnosed
  • Grateful for neighbors who babysat my grandson when necessary
  • Grateful that it appears that she made all the right decisions for her surgeries and reconstruction.
One day post-op

One day post-op

Home

Home

And you know what?  She never stopped smiling.  Her breasts look beautiful already and there will be almost no scarring.  Yes, she’s in pain but it’s temporary and we’re looking forward to her next adventure – renewing her marriage vows wearing her original wedding dress.

LADIES – PLEASE PERFORM YOUR SELF-EXAMS AND GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!!

HEIDI7

Next adventure? Renewing marriage vows!

Categories: Family, Health, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Multi-tasking Like Lucy and Ethel

 

When life moves a little faster than you’d like:

 

lucy and ethel

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To My Little Action Hero: We’ll Take This Journey Together

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Journey.” Tell us about a journey — whether a physical trip you took, or an emotional one.

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From one breath to the next, my heart stopped beating and I had to consciously draw my next breath.  When I answered the phone and heard my daughter say hello, I knew something was desperately wrong.

“Mom, the biopsy was positive.”

The diagnosis is infiltrating mammary carcinoma with lobular features. I was in Michigan and she was in Georgia on April 22 when she received the news on her son’s fifth birthday.  I wasn’t able to hold her or kiss her – we could only cry together over the phone.  But, my girl is an action hero not a cry-baby.

Within 24 hours she met with her surgeon and was told that the cancer is very treatable and slow growing with a proliferation rate of 5%. Something about hormone receptors, estrogen and progesterone. The cancer grows through hormone involvement so she immediately made an appointment with her OB-Gyn doctor to have her IUD removed.

Forty-eight hours after that she’d been in touch with her Georgia Corps Nurse Navigator who is available to answer all her questions and help her through the process of surgery, reconstruction, therapy, insurance, etc. and made an appointment with the oncologist pre-surgery so she would be clear headed and understand treatment options.

By April 25th she had studied all her options and eliminated a lumpectomy followed by five weeks of radiation in favor of a double mastectomy.  She wants the cancer out of her body with no breast tissue left for it to attack in the future.  It sounds radical but you have to know my girl.  She is intelligent, objective, and positive.  She’s extremely proactive and confident.  She talked to all her health care professionals and made an informed, unemotional decision.

Although only 4’10” tall and a size 3, my daughter is a marathoner and is in excellent physical condition.  The downside to that is that she does not have enough tummy fat to be used for immediate reconstruction following the mastectomy surgery.  I volunteered mine but instead she will have tissue expanders inserted until the skin of her breasts until the skin is eventually stretched enough to accept the implants.

She has an adoring, supportive husband and an adorable son.  She will do anything necessary to stay with them and is determined to maintain their active, fun-loving lifestyle. On April 25, she and her friends ran the Dirty Girl Mud Race. I arrived in Atlanta in time to run (walk) the Susan G. Komen 5K with her and her friends on May 9 and we drank margaritas to stupification on Mothers Day.

So, all those who love her will take this journey with her step by loving step.

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“Outlaw Blended Families Now!” – Coming to a Bookstore Near You

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Coming To a Bookshelf Near You.” Write a summary of the book you’ve always wanted to write for the back cover of its dust jacket. 

Why are these people smiling?  Could it be Valium?

Why are these people smiling? Could it be Valium?

Critics are raving about the tell-all book, “Outlaw Blended Families Now!” written by wife, mother, step-mother, ex-wife, working woman and all round bitch, Ms L.  The author reveals how a new marriage that involves combining families, although filled with romance, goodwill and the promise of a bright future, can be derailed in short order by children, step-children, ex-spouses, alimony, child support, attorney fees, two sets of parents (and grandparents) for each child, visitation schedules, lack of income, too little time and too many commitments.

Ms L. postulates that if two people truly love each other, they should “suck it up” and raise their own kids before moving into a beautiful, calm and loving marriage thereby avoiding years of anxiety trying to co-mingle funds, kids, school functions, food likes and dislikes, clothing/fashions, teenage dating, schoolwork, cars and driving, after school jobs, college applications and the disparities of  how the other set of parents bribe the kids; i.e., if the step-child receives a new car for his 16th birthday from his mom & step-dad while your child gets a 1993 Chevette with 201,000 miles on it, there’s bound to be ill-will.

Ms L is lobbying for a law forbidding re-marriages if either partner has a child under the age of 18, making allowances for widows and widowers.  She further claims that the stress and anxiety of raising a blended family causes extreme weight gain and ugliness.

Asked if she regrets her second marriage with the addition of two step-children, Ms L snorted, “I wouldn’t change it for the world!”  Why the dichotomy between her advice book and her own life?  “I’m an exceptionally strong willed woman and whenever I got overwhelmed I napped. Keeping a bottle of Scotch in the cabinet above the kitchen stove helped.  Combined families are not for the faint hearted. Now you’ll have to excuse me.  I’m late for my botox appointment and then I’m off to Weight Watchers”.

“A great read.  I couldn’t have thought up a better horror story!”, Steven King.

“Terrific character development.  L’s description of the ex-spouses was superb and her plan for exterminating them was right up my alley,”  Dean Koontz

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My World – Welcome To It

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Your Life, the Book.”  From a famous writer or celebrity, to a WordPress.com blogger or someone close to you — who would you like to be your biographer?

thurber1

The only person I can imagine writing my life story would be James Thurber.  His quirky view of humanity, sardonic wit and bizarre characters could do justice to the twists and turns of my world.   A cartoonist, author, journalist, playwright, and celebrated humorist  Thurber was best known for his cartoons and short stories, published mainly in The New Yorker magazine and in his numerous books. thurber2

Who could forget Walter Mitty and his phantasmagorical daydreams?

That’s my life and welcome to it.

thurber3

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Writing 101 | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Wanton Woman Full Moon Mania

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Full Moon.” When the full moon happens, you turn into a person who’s the opposite of who you normally are. Describe this new you.

moonlight

I have trouble sleeping during a full moon.  I arise, I wander.  I turn on my husband’s music – loud, insistent drumming with bizarre electronic melodies.  I dance in the moonlight, shedding clothes and swimming naked while the pool’s shadows coalesce into fearsome underwater shapes. My body moves in unfamiliar supple arches and stretches.  I eat chocolate and drink wine until my head spins and then I turn on all the lights hoping that someone else will awaken.  I wander from room to room, restless.  I sing and talk and read. Then I prowl the neighborhood sure that the lunar light will guide me home.

And when I’m finally exhausted, I sleep and dream of moonlight.

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Didn’t I Lock My Toolbox?

Writing 101 – Day Thirteen: Serially Found  On day four, you wrote a post about losing something. Today’s Prompt: write about finding something.

 

wrench

Instead of its normal annoying humming, the pool pump was whistling at me. I turned off the pump, capped the chlorine container that weighs more than me and wiped off the jug of hydrochloric acid, propped the 12-foot pool broom against the ladder and went in search of my wrench in order to bleed the lines.

I keep the wrench in the pool closet along with the other pool paraphernalia; vacuum, chemicals, net, toys, chemicals, rags.  Makes sense, right?  No wrench.  Oh, crap!  Here we go again.  A five minute job is going to take  forever because someone (my husband) has “borrowed” my wrench.  I checked the tool shed, went into the house and looked through my tool box (silly me), his toolbox (silly me), my quilting studio, kitchen junk drawer(s), and the pantry.

I tried to reconstruct my husband’s movements outdoors.  I looked along the hedge, in the toolshed, around the driveway, the garbage area, near the kayak; no wrench.  Lulled by the whistling of the pool pump, I sat down for a minute on the concrete bench overlooking the water and let my gaze rest on the dock.  Aha! There it is!

Rusted and forlorn, half covered with pine needles, my wrench rested on the dock steps.  “OK”, I thought.  “A little naval jelly will remove that rust in no time”.

The naval jelly is in my tool box … uh oh.

 

Categories: Family, Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Writing 101 | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

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