Humor

Why Women Return to Work When Their Husbands Retire – Reason #1

Posted on June 13, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ingredients.” What’s the one item in your kitchen you can’t possibly cook without? A spice, your grandma’s measuring cup, instant ramen — what’s your magic ingredient, and why?

My husband sits at the kitchen island with his computer while I prepare meals. Suddenly he has become the secret ingrediant to my success in the kitchen. After all these years I couldn’t possibly prepare a meal without him explaining to me:

How to clean a chicken

Which herbs and spices are appropriate for the dish I’m preparing

How many herbs and spices I should use

What temperature the oven should be set at

How to fold the grocery bags

How to line up the cans in the pantry (all labels facing forward)

How to most efficiently load the dishwasher

What foods should never be put in the garbage disposal

Why fruit flies have appeared in our kitchen

How to make a better cup of coffee

How to clean the coffee maker

Which dishes/cups can safely be used in the microwave

Which bread/salad dressings/pickles and other condiments he prefers on his sandwiches

Why he is the best popcorn maker in the family

Why our grand-daughter prefers his pasta to mine

The proper way to clean dishes (hand-wash)

The proper way to fold a dish towel

The best brand of dishwashing liquid

How to clean a cast iron skillet (the way his dad did)

How to empty the drip pan under the refrigerator

When the garbage can needs to be emptied

Which items can be recycled

Etc.

It’s amazing that my family has survived the past 40 years of my meal preparation without his supervision. For those of you ladies who don’t have a man looking over your shoulder while you’re in the kitchen, feel free to borrow mine.

Please.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: Daily Prompt, retirement | 3 Comments

May the Bluebird of Happiness …

Posted on June 10, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “A Dog Named Bob.” You have 20 minutes to write a post that includes the words mailbox, bluejay, plate, syrup, and ink. And one more detail… the story must include a dog named Bob.

I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for a response from a publisher with the verdict on the fate of my novel. Following my daily ritual I rinsed the syrup off my breakfast plate, sent out a silent plea to the universe and leashed Bob so he could do his doggie business on the way to the mailbox where I will either suffer my daily disappointment or, perhaps, the joy of acceptance.

We made our way down the drive with Bob sniffing every bush and flower and generally taking forever to decide where to cleanse his colon. Finally, arriving at the mailbox I retrieved my letters.

Halleleujah! An envelope from the publisher. I shouted in jubilation and tore the envelope open to read the verdict on my life’s work. My shout caused Bob to act like an idiot, prancing and barking which flushed a bluebird from a nearby tree. As it flew over my shoulder it crapped on my letter. A gooey gob of guano smeared the ink on the letter so I still don’t know whether my manuscript has been accepted or rejected.

Oh, shit!

Literally.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life | 4 Comments

Multi-tasking Like Lucy and Ethel

Posted on June 2, 2015 by queenbookworm

When life moves a little faster than you’d like:

Categories: Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: chocolate conveyor belt, Lucille Ball, multi-tasking | Leave a comment

“Attack of the Green-Eyed Monster” – Coming to a Theatre Near You

Posted on May 13, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Green-Eyed Lady.” We all get jealous from time to time — what wakes the green-eyed monster for you?

When my children … underline my children … are introduced by their father and his wife as “our children”, I go crazy. My children are the closest I will get to perfection in this lifetime (my personal and objective opinion) and even hinting that another woman is their mom makes me see green.

Don’t get me wrong. I have tremendous respect and admiration for my ex-husband and his wife. They are honest, hard-working, respectable and admirable people and they adore my children and my grandchildren. But, I can’t stand the look of confusion when my kids introduce me as their mother and the response is, “Oh, I thought – – – – – – was your mother!”

Petty? Yes. For almost 30 years I have obligingly and, I feel graciously, shared my children with their step-mom because she is a good, kind and generous woman who loves them and they love her.

But, please don’t introduce her as their mother unless you want to watch “The Attack of the Green-Eyed Monster,” coming to a theatre near you.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor | Tags: green eyed monster, jealousy | Leave a comment

I’m Feeling a Little Schmaltzy Today

Posted on May 6, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “You, the Sandwich.” If a restaurant were to name something after you, what would it be? Describe it. (Bonus points if you give us a recipe!)

“Schmaltz” is Yiddish for fat. Schmaltz herring is caught right before spawning when the fat in the fish is at the maximum. Why does that resonate with me?

Named for me and listed on the menu under appetizers, “Schmaltzy Lady” is actually pickled herring or Jewish sushi. The fat little virgin herrings will be served with crackers and rounds of party rye bread. You can choose the straight pickled herring or the sour cream version. You will either love this appetizer or you will curse me. However, if you order it with a shot of schnapps (or two), you will probably enjoy these yummy, vinegary chunks of raw fish covered with onions and pickling spices.

Oh, you want the recipe?

Herring are found in the North Sea so first you grab your fishing pole and head to Norway …

INGREDIENTS

8 herring fillets
1 sliced onion
1/2 cup olive or sunflower oil, or more to cover the fish
3 allspice seeds
3 peppercorns
1 bay leaf
Options: white wine or wine vinegar or 1 cup of sour cream

PREPARATION

Soak herring in cold water overnight to remove the “fishy” flavor. Slice drained herring into bite-size pieces.
Place in a jar and cover with oil and spices. Close the jar. Refrigerate for 2 to 3 days before eating. This will keep refrigerated up to two weeks. Serve with finely chopped onion or onion slices, lemon and parsley or dill.

NOTE: Skip the trip to Norway and the prep time and pick up a jar of Vita’s pickled herring in wine sauce or sour cream, grab a box of crackers or a loaf of party rye & a bottle of schnapps and get pickled!

Categories: Daily Prompt, Food, Humor | Tags: herring, schmaltz, schmaltz herring | 1 Comment

“Outlaw Blended Families Now!” – Coming to a Bookstore Near You

Posted on May 5, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Coming To a Bookshelf Near You.” Write a summary of the book you’ve always wanted to write for the back cover of its dust jacket.

Why are these people smiling? Could it be Valium?

Critics are raving about the tell-all book, “Outlaw Blended Families Now!” written by wife, mother, step-mother, ex-wife, working woman and all round bitch, Ms L. The author reveals how a new marriage that involves combining families, although filled with romance, goodwill and the promise of a bright future, can be derailed in short order by children, step-children, ex-spouses, alimony, child support, attorney fees, two sets of parents (and grandparents) for each child, visitation schedules, lack of income, too little time and too many commitments.

Ms L. postulates that if two people truly love each other, they should “suck it up” and raise their own kids before moving into a beautiful, calm and loving marriage thereby avoiding years of anxiety trying to co-mingle funds, kids, school functions, food likes and dislikes, clothing/fashions, teenage dating, schoolwork, cars and driving, after school jobs, college applications and the disparities of how the other set of parents bribe the kids; i.e., if the step-child receives a new car for his 16th birthday from his mom & step-dad while your child gets a 1993 Chevette with 201,000 miles on it, there’s bound to be ill-will.

Ms L is lobbying for a law forbidding re-marriages if either partner has a child under the age of 18, making allowances for widows and widowers. She further claims that the stress and anxiety of raising a blended family causes extreme weight gain and ugliness.

Asked if she regrets her second marriage with the addition of two step-children, Ms L snorted, “I wouldn’t change it for the world!” Why the dichotomy between her advice book and her own life? “I’m an exceptionally strong willed woman and whenever I got overwhelmed I napped. Keeping a bottle of Scotch in the cabinet above the kitchen stove helped. Combined families are not for the faint hearted. Now you’ll have to excuse me. I’m late for my botox appointment and then I’m off to Weight Watchers”.

“A great read. I couldn’t have thought up a better horror story!”, Steven King.

“Terrific character development. L’s description of the ex-spouses was superb and her plan for exterminating them was right up my alley,” Dean Koontz

Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life | Tags: blended families, combined family, families, step children, step parents | Leave a comment

My World – Welcome To It

Posted on May 1, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Your Life, the Book.” From a famous writer or celebrity, to a WordPress.com blogger or someone close to you — who would you like to be your biographer?

The only person I can imagine writing my life story would be James Thurber. His quirky view of humanity, sardonic wit and bizarre characters could do justice to the twists and turns of my world. A cartoonist, author, journalist, playwright, and celebrated humorist Thurber was best known for his cartoons and short stories, published mainly in The New Yorker magazine and in his numerous books.

Who could forget Walter Mitty and his phantasmagorical daydreams?

That’s my life and welcome to it.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Writing 101 | Tags: cartoonist, humorist, James Thurber, My World Welcome To It, Walter Mitty | 2 Comments

“V” is for What, Why, When and Where

Posted on April 30, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fearful Symmetry.” Pick a letter, any letter. Now, write a story, poem, or post in which every line starts with that letter.

Vot are you doing?

Vy are you doing it?

Ven will you be done doing it?

Vere are you doing it?

Vy am I writing with an eastern European accent?

Ve were told to start every sentence with the same letter and I chose “V”; because this is

Very ridiculous!

Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Writing 101 | Tags: eastern european, V | Leave a comment

Didn’t I Lock My Toolbox?

Posted on April 23, 2015 by queenbookworm

Writing 101 – Day Thirteen: Serially Found On day four, you wrote a post about losing something. Today’s Prompt: write about finding something.

Instead of its normal annoying humming, the pool pump was whistling at me. I turned off the pump, capped the chlorine container that weighs more than me and wiped off the jug of hydrochloric acid, propped the 12-foot pool broom against the ladder and went in search of my wrench in order to bleed the lines.

I keep the wrench in the pool closet along with the other pool paraphernalia; vacuum, chemicals, net, toys, chemicals, rags. Makes sense, right? No wrench. Oh, crap! Here we go again. A five minute job is going to take forever because someone (my husband) has “borrowed” my wrench. I checked the tool shed, went into the house and looked through my tool box (silly me), his toolbox (silly me), my quilting studio, kitchen junk drawer(s), and the pantry.

I tried to reconstruct my husband’s movements outdoors. I looked along the hedge, in the toolshed, around the driveway, the garbage area, near the kayak; no wrench. Lulled by the whistling of the pool pump, I sat down for a minute on the concrete bench overlooking the water and let my gaze rest on the dock. Aha! There it is!

Rusted and forlorn, half covered with pine needles, my wrench rested on the dock steps. “OK”, I thought. “A little naval jelly will remove that rust in no time”.

The naval jelly is in my tool box … uh oh.

Categories: Family, Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Writing 101 | Tags: finding tools, losing tools, toolbox, writing101 | Leave a comment

I Can’t Seem to Get the Sleeves Just Right

Posted on April 21, 2015 by queenbookworm

Writing 101 – Day Nine: Point of View Today’s Prompt: A man and a woman walk through the park together, holding hands. They pass an old woman sitting on a bench. The old woman is knitting a small, red sweater. The man begins to cry. Write this scene. Today’s twist: write the scene from three different points of view: from the perspective of the man, then the woman, and finally the old woman.

“Well, hell’s bells,” thought the old lady as she ripped a row of red yarn from the small sweater she was knitting. “I added the last ten rows to the wrong sleeve and now the sweater looks like it’s for a small deformed orangutan!”

The young man strolling by with his lady love looked at the old woman who was holding up and studying a ridiculously malformed red sweater. He dropped his head and his shoulders began to shake.

“What’s wrong, darling?,” asked his concerned amore.

“Look at what that stupid old woman knitted.” The tears were streaming down his face as he laughed. “It looks like a red sweater for a small deformed orangutan!”

The indignant young lady exclaimed, “Don’t be so cruel. Are you going to laugh at me when I’m old and can’t do everything perfectly anymore?”

She dropped his hand and walked away.

“What an asshole,” she thought as she walked over to the park bench and sat down next to the old woman.

“Can you help me with this, dear?” asked the confused old lady. “My daughter and her husband just adopted a baby orangutan and I can’t seem to get the sleeves just right.”