Humor

The Slut and the Misogynist – A Conversation

Posted on April 14, 2015 by queenbookworm

Writing 101: Daily Prompts & Twists. Today’s Prompt: Write a post based on the contrast between two things — whether people, objects, emotions, places, or something else.

“You disgust me. You lie on his lap and rub your cheek against his chest and let him caress you just so you can get what you want.”

“What’s wrong with that? I like to be loved and stroked. I give him what he needs and he gives me what I want.”

“Well, he grabbed me by the back of my neck and threw me outside so I had to sleep on the patio last night. I looked in the window and saw you pawing all over him while he fed you from his plate and stroked your body.”

“I don’t know why you’ve got your whiskers in a twist. I love to be loved and petted. You’re just mean. You puked on his bathmat and he stepped in it and you used his shower as a litter box. I don’t know what kind of statement you were trying to make but you’re not going to get home cooked chicken and salmon morsels with that attitude. You need to learn to be sweet if you want love and affection.”

“Who said anything about love and affection? I want to be treated with respect. I want to be fed on time, have a clean litterbox and I want to have my ears scratched when it pleases me. I don’t want to lower myself to your standards, rubbing against his legs and purring. I think when they removed your claws, they removed your brain … you’re such a slut.”

“Why don’t you shut up? Go choke on a hairball and leave me alone.”

Categories: Family, Humor, Life | Tags: arrogant cats, hairballs, spoiled cats, writing 101 | 6 Comments

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

Posted on April 14, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Mad as a Hatter.” Tell us about a time when you flew into a rage. What is it that made you so incredibly angry?

There is absolutely nothing more infuriating than a 16-year old son. I have no idea what finally flipped me over the edge. I remember yelling, “That’s it, you’re dead!” and taking off after him through the dining room, across the living room, and finally backing him into a corner in the laundry room. He was laughing while I was furious.

I advanced slapping any portion of his unprotected anatomy I could reach. He was about six inches taller than I.

“You will not talk back to me.” (slap on his shoulder)

“You will not make fun of me.” (slap on his chest)

“You will not laugh at me.” (slap on his other shoulder)

“You will show me respect.” (slap on his hip)

“You will pay attention when I’m talking to you” (slap on his stomach)

“You will speak to me in a civil tone.” (push with both hands on his chest)

That last one got him. He grabbed my wrists and collapsed against the wall laughing. “A civil tone? A civil tone? You’ve been reading historical novels, haven’t you?”

What’s a mother to do? I began laughing so he apologized, we kissed and made up.

But that tirade twenty years ago did the trick. He phones me almost every day to ask, in a civil tone, what I’m doing and if I’m OK. And, we always find something to laugh about.

Someone raised him right.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life | Tags: sons, the mad hatter | 4 Comments

Mandala/Schmandala – Just Don’t Walk Into the Glass Door

Posted on April 11, 2015 by queenbookworm

When you can’t find a suncatcher to mount on your squeeky clean sliding glass doors to protect your family from walking into the newly polished glass, borrow your grandkids’ washable markers and draw a mandala – kind of.

I’m going to have to clean the glass again aren’t I?

Categories: Family, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: mandala, washable markers | 2 Comments

It Really Hurt When He Bit My Finger Off

Posted on April 10, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Interview.” Interview your favorite fictional character.

Q: Welcome home, Frodo, you’ve had quite an adventure. How does it feel to be safely back in the Shire?

A: Hold on a sec while I take a hydrocodone for my finger and I’ll be right with you. Yeah, it’s great to be back but I really need a vacation. Overcoming Lord Sauron and saving the world really drained me. Sam and I are thinking of taking a long weekend somewhere warm and sunny. We’re checking with Legolos and Gimli to see when they’re free; maybe in the spring after Boromir’s and Aragorn’s weddings.

Q: You met all sorts of monsters and overcame some pretty insurmountable odds. What was the most frightening thing you encountered?

A: Well, the Orcs were ferocious and smelled something awful, but I think the scariest experience was getting to the Cracks of Doom then being trapped on the top of the mountain surrounded by lava and knowing we were going die. Poor Samwise. What a mess I got us into. Smeagol was no walk in the park, either. And, the slimey little bastard bit off my finger!

Q: How do you explain a small Hobbit overthrowing the Dark Lord and bringing down Mordor?

A: It helps to have a wizard on your team. He kept appearing and disappearing, but I knew that Gandalph had my back. Legolas the elf was a crack shot with his bow and Gimli the dwarf was unbeatable with his ax. And, of course Aragorn is an all-round fantastic warrior. Merry and Pippin were pretty useless except for organizing the Ents. And the eagles always seemed to show up in the nick of time.

Q: Any good experiences?

A: Sure. Rivendell was beautiful and the elves were entertaining. I got to see Bilbo again even though he and everyone else kept bitching about the Ring, the Ring, the Ring … jeez, give it a rest already!

Q: So, how do you feel about losing the ring?

A: That idiot Smeagol bit off the finger with my senior class ring … here’s the One Ring that Binds Them All. What? What’s the matter?

Q: But, didn’t the One Ring fall into the molten lava when Smeagol went over the cliff?

A: Don’t be a moron. That only happens in the movies.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor | Tags: aragorn, Frodo, Gandalf, gimli, legolas, Smeagol | 3 Comments

Lord, Give Me Patience … And a Lock for My Toolbox

Posted on April 9, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “If I Had a Hammer.” If you could learn a trade — say carpentry, electrical work, roofing, landscaping, plumbing, flooring, drywall — you name it — what skill(s) would you love to have in your back pocket?

I have a hammer – and a screwdriver and a once full and complete toolbox. Over time my tools disappear as my husband “borrows” them and I later find a rusted pair of pliers out by the pool pump, or my phillip’s head screwdriver driven into a plank down on the dock. Let’s not talk about my power tools. I can seldom find the matching battery charger for the tool I want to use. I haven’t seen my beautiful Dremel in years. I found my vise grips serving as the hose bib.

So, the only thing I want in my back pocket is a lock for my toolbox and lots and lots of patience.

Maybe you thought I was kidding?

Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life | Tags: patience, toolbox, tools, writing 101, writing101 | 5 Comments

Don’t Worry … It Was Only a Little Tumble Down the Basement Stairs

Posted on April 8, 2015 by queenbookworm

I’m the one on the right!

When I grow up I want to be Marilyn. No silly, not Marilyn Monroe … my 88 year old cousin Marilyn.

I am staggered by her tragedies and heartache; the loss of three children and her husband of 60 years who she adored from the age of 14. How many women not only survive such losses but continue life with grace and love and beauty?

I admire her stamina and attitude, her zest for life, and her personality. She is smart, clever, funny, interested and interesting. Her angels, ghosts and demons are reserved for her solitary nights; crocheting, listening to her audio books, Michael Buble, or watching the Food Channel until she can sleep.

She has crocheted hundreds of small afghans for the terminally ill children at Give Kids the World. Did I mention she is legally blind? Macular degeneration stole her sight slowly so she was able to learn to use her peripheral vision to “see”. She puts on her makeup, takes senior transportation to have her hair and nails done, goes to the liquor store and grocery shops by herself if necessary. She is greeted with smiles and loving kindness everywhere. She acquires new friends wherever she travels making lady-like, smart-ass comments and telling slightly suggestive jokes. She’s a clown and a flirt who loves to make people laugh.

So, when we got the call that she was hospitalized with a broken pelvis we were in a panic. My sister and I have attempted to take care of her long distance since her husband died. Marilyn was visiting her daughter out of state when she decided to do the laundry in the basement and fell down the stairs. She was 83.

After a short hospital stay, she was transferred to a rehab center where she enjoyed herself tremendously. She joked round the clock with the nurses, the aides, the therapists and she enjoyed the social activities. She was determined not to become an old lady with a walker. When she was released from rehab, she stayed with her daughter for a short while before deciding that she wanted to go home to her own apartment. She arranged with Delta for wheelchair service and flew home by herself. She and her friends then went to work setting up everything she needed for her home recovery.

We phoned every day and she would say, “Don’t worry. It was only a little tumble down the basement stairs.” And, then she’d laugh, “What’s a broken pelvis among friends?”

Last week was her 88th birthday. My sister and I visited to arrange a gala celebration. She went to the Hard Rock Casino for a little gambling, we took her to her favorite restaurant where she wanted to sit at the bar to drink wine and eat a rib eye steak; we shopped and cooked and had a small dinner party for her with balloons and gifts, linguine with clam sauce and a birthday cheesecake. We enjoyed a two mile walk , sans walker, with her each morning and had trouble keeping up with her pace.

Leaving, we got plenty of hugs and kisses and thank yous for making her feel so special. She joked that she can’t wait to see what we are going to do for her 90th birthday to top this one.

Zip-lining? Any other suggestions?

Categories: Family, Health, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: broken pelvis, cousins, Give Kids the World, loneliness, macular degeneration, old age | Leave a comment

It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses Their Weenie

Posted on April 3, 2015 by queenbookworm

We’ve all seen the movie where a man builds a fire by rubbing two sticks together to create a life-saving blaze when he’s lost in a frozen wasteland. Think Buck, the sled dog, and John Thornton in the Call of the Wild. They’d both have been frozen popsicles if that blaze had been my responsibility.

My sister, the Princess, and I arrived at the Myakka River State Park in Sarasota, Florida mid-afternoon. By the time we got the Casita backed onto the site (don’t ask), unhooked and set up we were starving. So, we had cocktails and appetizers and discussed starting a campfire to cook hotdogs. Grilling hotdogs on an campfire is the epitome of “roughing it” according to the Princess and something she’s always wanted to try. She brought kosher hot dogs, buns from the bakery, charcoal and lighter fluid, long expandable forks and a Bic lighter. I was supposed to provide the expertise.

We must have erased from our memories our previous attempt to start a fire. The Princess and I were having cocktails (notice a common theme?) by the fire pit at my cottage. We gathered leaves, twigs and some pieces of wood and made a teepee of them in the pit. It smoldered and smoked. We didn’t have any charcoal lighter so we threw rum on the smoldering mess. Embers started floating through the air and the leaves around the fire pit caught fire.

A successful fire built by my husband, The Man.

I ran to get the hose from the side of the house but it was about 20 feet too short. I was running in such a panic that I landed on my hands and knees when the hose suddenly played out. I ignored my scraped and bleeding knees and palms, jumped up and ran to help my sister stomp out the burning leaves around the pit. I yelled at her to stop stomping because she was wearing my purple Crocs and I didn’t know if they would melt onto her feet. I visualized purple plastic webbing fusing her toes together. Actually, there was no danger of setting the woods on fire. The whole sodden mess was due to damp leaves and wood.

Back to the present and oblivious to our miserable history, we put charcoal in the campfire pit, sloshed it with lighter fluid and lit it. Then we waited for the coals to turn white hot while we had another cocktail. The Princess speared the hotdogs onto our new forks and after a few minutes of holding the forks over the hot coals she began complaining that her back hurt from bending over the campfire. I told her to just put the hotdogs on the grill and turn them occassionally. You guessed it. One fell into the coals and one flipped into the dirt. I told her to rinse them off.

When she returned to the fire, she said, “I don’t think that was such a good idea.” Huh? Turns out she rinsed them in the dishwater bucket that had Dawn soap in it.

I gathered up the surviving weenies. “You make us another vodka tonic and I’ll plug in the microwave.”

Categories: Camping, Family, Humor, Life, Travel, Uncategorized | Tags: campfires, camping, Casita, Crocs, fire pits, hot dogs, Myakka River State Park, weenies | 2 Comments

Motley Fools

Posted on April 1, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fool Me Once.” It’s April 1st! Pull a fast one — publish a post that gently pranks your readers.

I can’t pull off practical jokes very well. My sense of humor tends to be of the slapstick variety that does not lend itself to gentle April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean these pranks are supposed to be harmless not painful, right?

Historically, various cultures had days of foolishness around the start of April. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25, the Hindu calendar has Holi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. It must have something to do with the joyous relief of winter turning to spring that lends itself to lighthearted celebrations.

In the Western world, April Fool’s Day may include sending someone on a “fools errand”, looking for things that don’t exist or playing pranks and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things. The image of a court jester or a motley fool popped into my mind.

A motley fool was a professional clown employed to entertain a king or nobleman in the Middle Ages. The fool would entertain with his ridiculous behavior. Motley is the multi-colored costume worn by the jester decorated with bells and baubles and Motley Fool is the name of my investment company. So, while thinking about motley fools, I checked my portfolio. No jest.

I’m not laughing.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life | Tags: April Fools, hilaria, jester, motley fools, purim | 2 Comments

Eat Buttered Popcorn in the Dark and You Won’t Get Fat

Posted on March 30, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Show Must Go On.” If you were involved in a movie, would you rather be the director, the producer, or the lead performer? (Note: you can’t be the writer!).

I would never have the chutzpah to attempt to direct a film … Alfred Hitchcock, Charlie Chaplin, Stanley Kubrick, Woody Allen, Orson Welles … yes. Me? No. Forget about producing a movie. Think Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, David O. Selznick, Robert Redford and don’t forget Walt Disney. I wouldn’t even attempt it.

Acting. Naw, I’m too self-conscious and too introverted.

So, if I had to be involved in a movie and can’t be the writer I would choose to do what I do best … sit in the audience and eat buttered popcorn. In my world, buttered popcorn is the best part of filmdom. Add it to your diet and exercise regimen as an adjunct to a healthy lifestyle.

Sit in the first row of the second tier so you can put your feet up on the rail without disturbing anyone in front of you. Raise and lower your legs several times to get comfortable thereby working your lower back, thighs and hips. Do 6-8 repetitions. Lean back in your seat then slowly lean forward straightening your back to take a sip of your Sprite. You can do multiple sets of this exercise and may want to super-size your drink for maximum benefit.

Get to the show early enough to grab the perfect seat and buy a large buttered popcorn. These are refillable so if you’re a popcorn slut like me, you can eat almost a whole bucket of popcorn while watching the ads, previews, trailers, etc. (or reading your Kindle) and still have time to get a refill before the feature begins. Walking down the stairs and out to the concession stand should add another several hundred steps toward your daily goal of 10,000.

No one can see or judge you if you’re sitting in a dark theatre eating a second bucket of popcorn. Take several deep cleansing breaths and set your mind free. Remember – if you set your mind free, your ass will follow, so relax and enjoy.

When the movie is over and you’ve gorged yourself on buttered popcorn, you will want to skip dinner. There … you’ve saved yourself at least 700 calories.

Ergo, eat buttered popcorn in the dark and you won’t get fat!

Categories: Daily Prompt, Food, Health, Humor, Life | Tags: alfred hitchcock, buttered popcorn, directors, exercise, films, movies, popcorn, producers | 1 Comment

Chocolate on My Elbows and Jelly Beans in My Teeth

Posted on March 28, 2015 by queenbookworm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Food for the Soul (and the Stomach).” Tell us about your favorite meal, either to eat or to prepare. Does it just taste great, or does it have other associations?

It doesn’t matter what I am preparing in the kitchen, if I’m with one of my grandchildren the results are guaranteed to be memorable. Their innocence adds the right amount of spice, their laughter mixed with their enthusiasm provides the proper texture and their joy at the results encourages a hearty appetite … whether sweet or savory, edible or not, appealing or appalling, it is food for my soul.

This morning 6-year old Rebekah and I made chocolate bird nests for Easter candy as gifts for her family and her teachers (and two for herself). There was melted chocolate smeared on the counters, under our fingernails and on our elbows (don’t ask). Jellybeans were rolling around the floor as she traded me the black ones for the red ones that we tried to pitch into each others mouth. We laughed and giggled and didn’t even try the end result because it just didn’t matter. We wrapped them individually in plastic wrap and tied each one with a purple ribbon and hope that the recipients will enjoy eating them as much as we enjoyed making them.

Chocolate Bird Nests

12 oz. package chocolate chips

12 oz. package butterscotch chips

12 oz. package chow mein noodles

Carefully melt the chocolate and butterscotch chips in the microwave. Pour the melted chocolate mixture over the chow mein noodles in a large bowl and mix. Spray a muffin tin with cooking spray and glop a big spoonful of the mixture into each muffin hole. Smoosh the mixture to form a “nest” and refrigerate until set. Remove from the tins and add candy. We used jelly beans and robin eggs.

How to check if the pasta is al dente if you’re a member of my family!