Musings of a Muse

The Daily Post:  “Muse”

While trying on bathing suits in a dressing room with a three-way mirror, I discovered that in a previous incarnation I must have been Reuben’s muse.  The 16th century artist apparently loved chubby women.  Hence, the term “Reubenesque”.  My kinda guy.

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Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Post, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

My Favorite Profundities

Daily Post:  “Profound”

 

  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

  • If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  Then go out and find the person whose life gave them vodka.

  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  • Having a baby can be a scream.

  • If your children write their names in the dust on your furniture, don’t let them put the year.

  • The most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

  • If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him

  • If two people want to get married, get married! As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want.

  • Never floss with a stranger.

  • If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Quotes from Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers; my favorite philosophers.
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Categories: Daily Post, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen

Daily Prompt – Dramatic 

The definition of “drama”?  A day in the life of a tweenie.

Whining kid:  “Mom, all my friends wear high heels to school.  I don’t want to wear sneakers to school anymore.  I’m not a little kid.  You just want me to be ugly.  You want me to be different.  You don’t want me to be popular.  You want me to be a geek.”

Me:  “I don’t care what all your friends wear, you’re not wearing high heels in 6th grade.”

But, after another 24 hours of whining, pouting, tears and hysteria and noticing how she unsteadily navigated in the little kitten heels bought for her cousin’s wedding I caved.

Me:  “I’ve given it some thought and decided that you are now old enough to make wise decisions.  You can wear those shoes to school if you want, just like all your friends.”

The next afternoon I watched her hobbling toward the house holding her shoes in her hand and wincing with each barefoot step.

Whining kid:  “Mom, you did that on purpose!  You knew I’d get blisters from wearing those shoes.  I had to go to the nurse’s office to get bandaids and then I had to line my shoes with toilet paper to keep them from rubbing and the toilet paper fell out of my shoe and people laughed and it’s all your fault!  You ruined my life.  I’ll never forgive you for this.  Wait til I tell Dad what you did.  He’ll divorce you and I’ll live with him and he won’t make my friends laugh at me.”

Me:  “Sweetheart, I didn’t force you to wear those shoes.  As a matter of fact I didn’t want you to wear heels to school because I know how painful they can be.  I wear heels every day and sometimes I get blisters.  I never want you to be hurt but I let you make your own decision.  I think you learned an important lesson.”

Whining kid:  “Yeah.  You want me to be unpopular.”

And that, my friends, is the definition of drama.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Family, Humor, Life, Parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Why Limit Happy to an Hour?

 

The epitome of a good day:

  • Woke up from a good night’s rest with no arthritis pain
  • Ate previous night’s leftovers for breakfast – no brainer Paleo meal
  • I was the first customer at Grease Monkey for an oil change, had coffee with the guys & they  gave me a new customer discount
  • Pool store clerk loaded 3 jugs of  chlorine in the car for me without me asking for help chlorine
  • Home Depot associate gave me a 2 x 3′ piece of plywood for free when I told him I was making a counter-top ironing board for my quilting projects
  • Washed my car in the driveway – it was overcast & almost cool. No heat exhaustion.  No streaks.
  • Rode my new bike to the library without accidents or incidents (just a sore ass)
  • Bought 2 beautiful, ripe mangos – my favorite fruit
  • Pulled weeds around the lanai without seeing worms, snakes or anything else startling or disgusting weeds
  • Dove down to pull a rogue plastic lid  covering the drain at the bottom of the pool and didn’t drown
  • Received calls from my kids
  • Finished my retro step stool project

    Before

    after

    After

  • Amazon delivered my new bicycle basket and I installed it in 3 minutes basket
  • Found enough fabric in my stash to make skirts for the work tables in my quilt studio so I can save my $ to buy more quilting fabric
  • Customer picked up her antique embroidered butterfly top that I custom quilted for her and raved about it
  • Found food in the refrigerator for dinner – no last minute run to the grocery store
  • Watched three episodes of “Nurse Jackie”
  • Listened to the laughter of the kids next door splashing in their grandparents’ pool
  • Fell asleep thinking about tomorrow’s fun

Daily Prompt: Epitome

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Gotta Have More Cushie for my Tushie

I don’t believe the good lord intended for my 67-year old ass to ride on a narrow mountain bike seat for any extended period of time.  If such were His intentions, He would have made my ass smaller or the seat bigger.

bike1As we all know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I intend to live a healthier lifestyle by riding my bike for any errand within a 3-mile radius of my home.  Today was the first day of the rest of my life (do you like my aphorisms?) with a 3-mile ride to return library books and pick up a few audio books for my car trip next week.  Mission accomplished in 40 minutes, including 10 minutes to choose my audio books.

Pros:  feel good & energetic, proud of myself, felt safe & secure on my smaller bike, no accidents

Cons:  my ass bones hurt.  I didn’t know there were bones in your ass.  Temporarily solved the problem by alternating butt cheeks on the saddle.

So, there is definitely a larger, cushier bike seat in my future as I continue to peddle my ass around town.

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Categories: Aging Gracefully, Health, Humor, Life, Retirement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

What’s a four letter word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”?

 

FORK

Get your mind out of the gutter!

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 Daily Prompt – Fork  Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , | 3 Comments

The Beauty of Dirty Windows

Daily Prompt:  Dirty – Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I don’t walk into the sliding glass doors when they’re dirty.  I appreciate the marks left by wet cat noses, grandchildrens’ jelly fingers, kisses on the glass, greasy fingerprints by the handle and messages written in the pollen.   It’s true that you really do see stars when you hit your head hard enough. Ask me how I know.

My granddaughter thinks its funny when I walk into the glass doors because I circle the spots where my nose and chin hit the glass and when there are several she draws pictures connecting the circles. She’s easily amused and I’m always happy to provide cheap entertainment.

So, buy suncatchers for the doors you say?  Nah …  I solved the problem by buying Crayola Window Crayons and drawing seasonal messages.

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I Bequeth My Carrot Birthday Cake from Hell

Daily Prompt:  LegacyWrite a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I’m a quilter not a baker.  I hate to bake.  I’m not good at it and my failures over the years are legion.  Most kids bring homemade cookies or cupcakes to school to share.  Mine brought bags of potato chips.

But, for some reason my carrot cake gets rave reviews.  My son requests it every year for his birthday.  Why?  I’m convinced it’s because it is the most difficult, expensive, frustrating, anxiety-producing, time-consuming cake in the world.  It’s true … paybacks are hell,  but I can’t remember what I did to that child to demand such retribution.

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So, I started by assembling all the tools and ingredients I needed and told myself to remain calm, stay organized, take my time and clean up as I go.

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Things deteriorated almost immediately.  My printer ran out of ink so I was working from the recipe on my Kindle that kept shutting down then sliding out of my hands because of the oil, eggs and buttermilk on my fingers. I panic very easily when I’m baking.

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OK – I get that it’s three layer cake because it’s so dense.  But I don’t understand why I have to oil and flour each pan and still cut out parchment paper to cover the bottoms and then oil and flour the parchment paper.

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Thank heaven for food processors or I’d still be grating carrots, chopping walnuts and shredding coconut.

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Ta da!  I finally got everything into one bowl and it smells and tastes like … carrot cake!

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Looking good, right?  I’m so proud of myself.

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But, I don’t understand “Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean”.  After 30 minutes the toothpick looked clean, but I wasn’t completely sure.  So, I baked for another 3 minutes and then did the toothpick thing again and still wasn’t sure.  After the third toothpick, I noticed the cakes’ edges looked really brown so I removed the pans from the oven and the anxiety kicked in — under-baked, over-baked who knows?  It’s kind of like a new recipe that say, “Adjust seasonings to taste.”  But if you don’t know what it’s supposed to taste like….?

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And then the cleanup … seems like I used every surface, utensil, bowl and appliance in my kitchen. There was so much flour in the air that I had an asthma attack and had to stop to use my inhaler twice.

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You think I was kidding about the flour in the air and on every surface?  I laid my spatula down and when I picked it up, there was its silhouette.  After the kitchen counters were washed, the bowls, utensils and appliances cleaned I still had to mop the floor and wipe down the cabinets.  I turned the A/C on to clear the air.  What a production!  We won’t even talk about the icing.

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Happy Birthday, Matt.

When the birthday boy tasted his cake I learned the good news and the bad news … the good news was that it was absolutely delicious; the bad news is that I’m going to have to do it again next year.

 

 

 

 

Categories: Daily Prompt, Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

I Object Your Honor!

Daily Prompt:  Object – Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

Remember Perry Mason?  I loved that show … Perry and his sidekicks Della Street and Paul Drake and his nemesis, District Attorney Hamilton Burger.

CBS_PERRY_MASON_067_CONTENT_CIAN_610343_1928_1280x720_500918851656_611268_640x360I started watching the show when I was about 10 years old and never questioned that Perry’s clients who were on trial for murder were always innocent. Before their trial was over I knew he would unmask the real villain and thoroughly humiliate Hamilton Burger.

PerryMason1

I had trouble, though, when Perry stood up to object.  The judge would either “overrule” or “sustain” the motion and, because I didn’t know what those words meant, I never knew if it was a good thing or not for Perry’s case.  But, of course, the best part was when the real murderer collapsed on the stand and confessed.

What an innocent age we lived in then.  We knew Perry Mason would save the day.

Oh wait, that was Mighty Mouse.

mighty mouse

 

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Toto, I’ve a Feeling We’re Not in Ohio Any More!

Daily Prompt:  Contrast -Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt.

I’m a Florida girl.  I never saw snow until I was 21 and moved north with my husband to attend Ohio State University.  I did not know what cold truly was.  I almost died.

It wasn’t too bad until after the holidays.  We had a white Christmas and it was magical.  But then we had January … and February… and March.  Ugly grey slush, ugly grey skies, ugly grey trees.  The contrast to my Florida winters was stark and depressing … no sunshine, no green, no blue.  Just a black and white world.  I was homesick, cold and miserable.

Then I had an opportunity to fly home to Miami Beach.  Oh, joy! In the ancient days of my youth planes did not conveniently coast to a stop at a terminal building.  Stairs were rolled out to the plane doors and passengers disembarked onto the tarmac.

When I stepped through the plane door I stepped into a technicolor world.  The only thing missing was the Munchkins.

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Categories: Daily Prompt, Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

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